Lloyd "Pete" Waters: Today"s comedians are not very funny

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Every other day it seems like comedians are making news, and none of them are really funny. I sometimes wish they would get real jobs and go flip hamburgers, operate a jackhammer or seek a position as a social worker, hospital emergency-room assistant or maybe a hospice volunteer.

I suspect that if these would-be comedians had to actually work a little instead of making lousy remarks and trying to get a laugh out of today’s morbid news and politics, there might be some hope for the future.

When there’s no more making fun of heritage or race, no more carrying around a prop that looks like the severed head of the president, no more trying to be cruder than peers to get some other sickos to laugh, then they go home and sob in a big bucket because no one wants them to come out and play anymore.

More and more I miss Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon.

Now, if you want some really laughable moments and a little funny and relaxed comedy, just get a few of those old “The Tonight Show” reruns starring Johnny Carson and sit there, pop the lid on a cold one and laugh until you’re about ready to bust a button.

Do you remember some of those shows so late at night? Carson’s monologue used to really crack me up, and he never once got fired for any harshness or dagger-tossed one-liners at any perceived enemies.

You really didn’t even know if he was a conservative or liberal as he delivered his nightly monologue.

“Here’s Johnny” would always open the show and out he would come onto the stage, impeccably dressed and prepared to share his humor with the world.

Even though dead tired from work some days, I would always try to catch a few minutes of his late-night show to laugh for a moment and escape the trials of life that have a tendency to surround us.

It’s good for the soul to have a relaxed laugh now and then. It makes life more palatable.

One of my favorite parts of the show was when Carson would put on a huge turban and robe and play the role of Carnac the Magnificent, an Eastern guru who could divine answers to unseen questions within an envelope.

He would sit at his desk and hold an envelope up to his huge turban and share an answer with the audience.

After Carnac would say the answer, McMahon would often repeat it, and then Carnac would “divinely” reveal the question found in the envelope.

Imagine a few of these skits:

Answer: “Hickory, dickory dock”

Question: “What kind of a doctor do you go to when there’s something wrong with your hickory dickory?”

And then I would chuckle and wait for the next one.

Answer: “Until he gets caught”

Question: “How long does a United States congressman serve?”

And then I would chuckle some more.

Answer: “Milk and honey”

Question: “What do you get from a bee that has an udder?”

By this point, I would be rolling on the floor.

Answer: “Groundhog”

Question: “What’s in Jimmy Dean’s sausages?”

I really would be laughing now.

How about a few more?

Answer: “The Loch Ness monster”

Question: “Who will they find sooner than Jimmy Hoffa?”

Carson’s smirk on his face after sharing his divine wisdom of knowing the question in the envelope was priceless. His audience would laugh way ahead of his anticipated delivery.

Answer: “The four musketeers”

Question: “How would a wino see the three musketeers?”

Laughing yet?

Answer: “Stick ’em up”

Question: “What should the oil companies’ new slogan be?”

Carson and McMahon were a pair of true comedians. They were really quite professional back in those days.

Attempting to find an entertaining “professional comic” today almost seems like a joke in itself.

It was a lot of fun to watch “The Tonight Show” and have a good laugh.

Good comedy seems to be going where the dinosaurs went. Today’s comedians have to be more obnoxious, vulgar and extreme to sell. I wonder what that reveals about the audience. No ridicule, harshness, blood and guts — no laughter from the audience.

Perhaps we are merely evolving into that next stage of humanity, or perhaps the Twilight Zone is escorting us to a place where good humor is taking a back seat to that despair and misery approach to life. Scared yet?

Today’s comedy doesn’t seem very funny to me at all, but then again I enjoyed the antics of Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon that seem like a very long time ago.

Answer: A funny heaven.

Question: Where have all the good comedians gone?

I hope you find something good to laugh about sometime soon.

Dargan Boy out!


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