50 football jokes to make you laugh – or groan
With the 2018 World Cup kicking off in Russia next week, football fever is upon us – after a break of approximately two weeks.
But you don’t have to take the beautiful game completely seriously.
Prepare to laugh – or groan – at these 50 (clean) football jokes:
What did the ref say to the chicken who tripped a defender? “Fowl!”
What is black and white and black and white and black and white? A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!
I left two [insert team] tickets on my dashboard yesterday. Someone smashed the window and left two more.
Why was the footballer upset on their birthday? They got a red card!
What do you call someone who stands inside goalposts and stops the ball rolling away? Annette!
England are playing Iceland tomorrow. If they win that game, they’ll play Tesco’s next Saturday and then Asda on Wednesday.
Which football team loves ice-cream? Aston Vanilla!
Where’s the best place in America to shop for a football kit? New Jersey!
What’s the difference between The Invisible Man and [insert team name]? You’ve got more chance of seeing The Invisible Man at the World Cup Finals!
What do Lionel Messi and a magician have in common? Both do hat-tricks!
The new manager of our struggling football team is strict and won’t stand any nonsense. Last Saturday, he caught two fans climbing over the stadium wall and was angry with them. He grabbed them and said: “Get back in there and watch the game until it finishes!”
Why is a football crowd learning to sing like a person opening a tin of sardines? They both have trouble with the key!
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team? Because she kept running away from the ball!
What is a goalkeeper’s favourite snack? Beans on post!
Why don’t grasshoppers watch football? They prefer cricket!
What is a ghost’s favourite football position? Ghoulkeeper!
Why did the manager bring pencils and sketchbooks into the dressing room before the game? He was hoping for a draw!
Have you heard about the new Arsenal Bra? It has a lot of support but no cups!
Who scored the most goals in the Greek Mythology League? The centaur forward!
What did the manager do when the pitch became flooded? He sent on his subs!
My partner just split up with me because they think I’m obsessed with football. I’m a bit gutted about it – we’d been going out for three seasons.
What did the referee say to the South American footballer in the World Cup who lied about handling the ball? I don’t Bolivia!
Three hours of football and the goalkeeper is still England’s top scorer…
Why do football players do well in school? They know how to use their heads!
During the World Cup in Brazil, the England team visited an orphanage. “It was heart-breaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,” said João, age 6.
As the team’s struggles continued, a pound coin was thrown onto the pitch. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.
What ship holds 20 football teams but only three leave it each season? The Premier-ship!
What’s the difference between [insert team here] and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup!
Why was the the best footballer in the world asked to tidy up their room? Because they were Messi!
What part of a football pitch smells nicest? The scenter spot!
Why did the football quit the team? It was tired of being kicked around!
What does a [insert team here] fan do after watching their team win the Premier League? Turn off the PlayStation!
I was playing Football Manager on my PC when I was offered the [insert team here] job. I knew it was a poor squad with no future, so I declined the offer. I then put the telephone down and returned to Football Manager.
What tea do footballers drink? Penal-tea!
Why aren’t football stadiums built in outer space? Because there is no atmosphere!
Why are footballers like babies? They both dribble!
God and the devil were having an argument, and Satan proposed a football game between heaven and hell to resolve the dispute. God, in his eternal goodness, pointed out that it wouldn’t be a fair match because all the ‘good’ players go to heaven. The devil smiled, replying, “Yes, but we’ve got all the refs.”
Which soccer team has nailed their formation? The Hammers.
Why did the footballer hold their boot to their ear? Because they liked sole music!
What’s the chilliest ground in the Premiership? Cold Trafford!
Which team always start the match with a bang? The Gunners!
What runs along the edge of the pitch but never moves? The sideline!
Which team is the chewiest? The Toffees!
What’s the best position to play if you don’t like football? Right back – right back in the changing rooms…
My computer’s got the ‘Bad-Goalie Virus’. It can’t save anything.
How did the football pitch end up as triangle? Somebody took a corner!
Why did the footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch? They were the skipper!
How do football players stay cool during a game? They stand near the fans!
What do you call a [insert team here] player in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A referee!
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